I’m Gonna Be A Mom

khadijahfife
Apr 21
2 min read

10.30.22 – The Day Everything Shifted

Today, I’m writing from a different POV. I just found out I’m pregnant.

I’m a Labor and Delivery nurse at heart. I find joy in supporting women through the most vulnerable, powerful, beautiful transitions of their lives. I believe I was called to this work—to advocate, educate, and hold space for women.

But here I am, in bed, crying. Today I wish someone would tell me the things I’ve told so many women. I’m scared in a way that words can’t hold.

Am I enough?

When You Know Too Much

The flutters, the ultrasounds—I’ve seen them hundreds of times, but now it’s me. I’ve always known that being a mom is a blessing, but now that it’s here... I wonder if I’m worthy of this role.

It’s strange. I’ve guided women through every step of pregnancy and birth, yet always from the outside. My passion has always been enough. My empathy was real, even if my experience wasn’t shared.

I never felt the “baby fever.” Until a few months ago. Maybe because I didn’t believe someone could really understand how deeply I wanted to build a different life. I’ve loved my friends’ and family’s children like they were mine. I was happy as Aunty Dijah. I had rich auntie goals.

Then I married my best friend. And here we are—five years later.

The Fear We Don’t Talk About

As a labor and delivery nurse, you know the risks. And now, just two days into knowing I’m carrying life, I feel the weight of everything I’ve seen.

What if I lose this baby? What if I become a lesson and not a story of joy?

I’m already praying: God, please let this be the story of growth, not grief. Let this be my beautiful beginning, not a cautionary tale.

I Am Not a Failure

I am 28. They say I’m young—but in obstetrics, I feel like a late bloomer. I’m trying to let go of the fear and lean into the miracle.

I am not a failure.

I am a blessing.

I have been given this gift because I am worthy of carrying, birthing, and raising a healthy baby.

This pregnancy will be safe.

My body was made for this.

I will rewrite the narrative that nurses always have complicated births.

I am going to be a great mom.

I am no different than the moms I’ve cared for. I am also worthy of care, grace, and joy. And now I get to walk beside you—as both nurse and mother—through this journey.